“Vanity of Person”: Looking our Best is… Complicated

“Vanity was the beginning and end of Sir Walter Elliot’s character; vanity of person and of situation.  He had been remarkably handsome in his youth; and, at fifty-four, was still a very fine man.  Few women could think more of their personal appearance than he did; nor could the valet of any new made lord be more delighted with the place he held in society.  He considered the blessing of beauty as inferior only to the blessing of a baronetcy; and the Sir Walter Elliot, who united these gifts, was the constant object of his warmest respect and devotion.” ~Persuasion, Volume I, Chapter I

“‘… Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonimously [sic].  A person may be proud without being vain.  Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us.'” ~Mary in Pride and Prejudice, Volume I, Chapter V

Geese and Narcissus

Beauty is a complicated matter.  No one finds it a compliment to be thought vain, yet to varying degrees, people generally have a desire to look their best for others.  Marketing for any product seems to be geared toward either “vanity of person,” i.e. this product improves one’s looks, or “vanity of situation” in improving one’s status.  We simultaneously desire to be admired and yet hate to think that anyone would discover that we harbor such a desire.  Sir Walter himself seems to be blissfully unaware of how the very concern for people’s good opinion of his looks actually causes him to appear silly to them; instead of increasing their respect, his vanity decreases their opinion of his judgment and respectability.  A silly goose, and a Narcissus….

Funny how so often, like Sir Walter, we tend to value most those traits which we already possess.  As a good student and a poor athlete, for example, I tend to value other people’s ideas more than their physical strength or abilities.  Having never been a beauty myself, it seems superficial to me that other people spend so much money on makeup and clothing, let alone on plastic surgeries and more.  On the other hand, I secretly would really love to have more beautiful clothes.  And I would certainly rather be better looking.  “Who are you trying to impress?” asks my husband, who is biased and so already thinks I’m pretty (hallelujah for the “love is blind” factor!).  “Not for anyone else, just for me,” I answer.  Of course I don’t want myself or anyone else to be judged simply by appearances, which can definitely be misleading, but still appreciate beauty when it can be found.

Recently this topic presented itself in a rather painful way to a friend who is contemplating a second bout of cancer treatments after spending a number of years cancer-free.  “The worst day of my whole cancer experience was the day I lost my hair,” she admitted.  “To have to lose my hair, and then to have to accept the revelation that I was a vain person on top of that….”  Unlike Sir Walter, however, this concern doesn’t strike me as a “vanity” at all.  Instead it is a very common reaction–heard from many, many women who battle cancer–to being forced to face a difficult disease.  Of course we want to maintain dignity and self-respect, and keeping our hair nice is just one sign of a person “having it together” and simply living a normal life.  Outward disruptions of that normalcy may attract stares and attention in public, and for some the awkward sympathy from both friends and strangers who have never “been there” is worse than no sympathy at all.  Hence the next step:  the search for a natural-looking wig to bolster the chemo patient’s flagging confidence.

So what are your thoughts on this broad topic?  I’m interested to hear about the pros and cons and humor of chasing that elusive dream of Beauty.  Any stories about valuing people who don’t fit into the “beautiful” category are welcome too!