Your Idea of an Accomplished Woman?

“Such a countenance, such manners! and so extremely accomplished for her age!  Her performance on the piano-forte is exquisite.”  [Miss Bingley exclaiming about Miss Darcy.]

“It is amazing to me,” said [Mr.] Bingley, “how  young ladies can have patience to be so very accomplished, as they all are.  …They all paint tables, cover skreens and net purses.  I scarcely know any one who cannot do all this, and I am sure I never heard a young lady spoken of for the first time, without being informed that she was very accomplished.”

“Your list of the common extent of accomplishments,” said [Mr.] Darcy, “has too much truth.  The word is applied to many a woman who deserves it no otherwise than by netting a purse, or covering a skreen.  But I am very far from agreeing with you in your estimation of ladies in general.  I cannot boast of knowing more than half a dozen, in the whole range of my acquaintance, that are really accomplished.”

… “Then,” observed Elizabeth, “you must comprehend a great deal in your idea of an accomplished woman.”

… “Oh! certainly,” cried his faithful assistant [Miss Bingley], “no one can be really esteemed accomplished, who does not greatly surpass what is usually met with.  A woman must have a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing, and the modern languages, to deserve the word; and besides all this, she must possess a certain something in her air and manner of walking, the tone of her voice, her address and expressions, or the word will be but half deserved.”

“All this she must possess,” added Darcy, “and to all this she must yet add something more substantial, in the improvement of her mind by extensive reading.”

“I am no longer surprised at your knowing only six accomplished women.  I rather wonder now at your knowing any.”

~Pride and Prejudice, Volume I, Chapter VIII

Jessica and Jaime, witness to history presentation

It’s the end of the school year, and the seventh graders in the Japanese Immersion program presented their final projects for the parents the other night.  Each student took on a character who was a “witness” to their chosen historical event and gave speeches and handed out “news” stories in both Japanese and English.  My daughter Jaime was John Adams for the event, describing the events leading up to the signing of the Declaration of Independence.  Other students showcased the advent of modern film-making, the 9-11 and Hurricane Katrina tragedies, Woodstock, or how the women’s rights movement was aided by the invention of bicycles.

Personally, I had never thought about the importance of bicycles for women, but Jessica showed us how bicycles brought freedom–freedom not only in the ability to travel alone safely, but also in ditching the accursed restricting corset.  (“And there was much rejoicing…!”)  But thinking about the progress of women’s rights over the years did make me feel proud of, and somewhat sentimental about, my daughter and her friends and the confident young women they are growing into.  Some are artists or musicians or writers; some are phenomenal athletes or excellent mathematicians; many of them are also amazingly kind and funny people.  And in this program, they are now all becoming bilingual in English and Japanese.  So many accomplishments!

There is an appeal in trying to produce the most “accomplished” children possible.  Surely Jaime would enjoy another music class.  Or drama.  More swimming lessons?  Maybe a few of these other things that so-and-so is doing… Then someday she’ll be the valedictorian!  Or a Rose Festival Princess!  Or first chair in band… and it will all look so good on her resume!  For myself, I did “accomplish” a number of things in high school, and it did succeed in getting me a good scholarship for college.  Beyond that, however, I sometimes wonder if there was a point to these “accomplishments.”  In fact, other than building a reputation, what was the point of Miss Bingley’s accomplishments?  Certainly I enjoyed drama club and school and music.  But as parents we really do want to have solid family time, and kids need time to do homework.  They need some down time for releasing stress and just processing through all the things going on in their lives.  Time to pray and get re-focused in the Word.  Time to be kids.

Though I’m quite convinced that my kids are just as smart and funny and cute and talented and interesting as at least 99% of the other kids out there, I’m actually not writing to brag (after all, every other mom will argue that her kids are better, and anyone without kids will see I’m biased).  It’s just that I’m realizing that I only have 5 years left before my daughter heads off to college and/or to her post-graduation job, and suddenly I feel like our time is too short.

What do we have left to do (or accomplish, if you will) in those five years?  I think about the memories we’d like to make as a family, the childhood we hope our kids will enjoy now and remember fondly for the rest of their lives.  It isn’t that I feel we need to “entertain” our kids all the time and buy them things and feed them ice cream.  Those things are good in moderation.  But how to build relationships that will last, and learn to build future relationships that will succeed?  What skills do we need to teach, and what values are we passing along?  Will they really be self-sufficient–able to cook for themselves, clean, pay the bills, hold a job?

Thankfully once you’re out of school no one cares about your GPA or your clubs.  The things that matter are more about who you are in your character, your service to God and integrity rather than just what you can do.  We do not need more snooty Miss Bingleys in the world who say you are not accomplished until you’ve accomplished everything.